Share Your Story Sunday {Week One}

Since launching my blog back in July, I have had this idea of a blog series where I feature different bloggers and friends of mine that to me are truly shining for Christ. I wanted them to share how they came to know Jesus and how their lives changed. It has taken a few months but, at last, here is “Share Your Story Sunday.” If you are interesting in sharing your story on my blog, please e-mail me at monogrammedmadison@gmail.com.

I thought to start this series, I should first share my story. As I sat down to write this post I realized I have never truly told my story. After countless drafts, here it is and my apologizes for such a lengthy post.

Perfection. That’s what I strived for and wouldn’t except any less from myself, which as you can imagine, led to some problems. Ever since my first performance at age four, I dreamed of the day when I would be as perfect as the beautiful dancers in the lead roles.

Whether I was at dance or at school, I was always working to be the best. Then eight grade rolled around. I was taking all honors classes and even some high school level classes. Also during this time, I was working really hard in ballet to be the lead role in the Nutcracker. I still can remember  the morning the cast list was released and my name wasn’t under the lead role. All I could think was that I wasn’t good enough, I didn’t try hard enough, and I was a failure. Now looking back, I see that not getting the lead role wasn't the end of the world but at the time, dance was everything to me.

Throughout eighth grade, my mind continued to be filled with these destructive thoughts. The level of perfection I wanted from myself was beyond unattainable. I began to think that if I was thinner, I would get the lead role and ultimately be happy. It’s obvious that with that thought process I didn’t have Jesus in my life.

Then, I began taking my thoughts and putting them into actions. I would skip meals, constant weight myself in hopes that a certain number on the scale would make me happy. Quickly, food began to control my life. I began separating myself from my friends, avoiding situations with food, and growing unhappy with myself. Looking back, I realize how good of an actress I was. I hid all of this from my friends and family- who cared for me so much. I would eat enough in front of them so they wouldn’t notice and, truthfully, I don’t think I lost a significant amount of weight (I was already thin anyway). I think it was more of a mental game that I played with myself.

The end of eighth grade, I recognized that what I was doing to myself physically and mentally wasn’t normal. I feared reaching out for help because I was doing all this to reach perfection and seeking help meant admitting I wasn’t perfect.

After recognizing I had a problem, I grew so fed up with the self-hatred and my desire to be perfect that I reached out, more like cried out, to my mom for help. I was terrified to admit I had a problem but immediately it felt a ton of bricks being lifted off of me.

Once finishing my counseling, establishing healthy eating habits, and coming to accept that perfection isn't attainable, I felt so much better about myself but it still felt like something wasn’t right.

The next fall, I started high school. I was excited about a fresh start and overall freshmen year was great. I focused most of my energy on school and dance but took more time to relax. That winter I got the opportunity to dance the lead role in the Nutcracker which was one of the happiest moments of my life. I still remember after I finished my first performance as Clara I began to cry. For the first time in a long time, I was proud of myself.

Long story short, sophomore year was good too. Dance just wasn't the same for me. That year I decided to stop dancing which was such a big change. But the most significant moment, not just of sophomore year but of my life, was when I accepted Jesus as my Lord and Savior on May 5, 2013.

A new church had opened and my family began going every Sunday. I had never really felt connected at a church until now. I quickly began to understand who God is, that He loved me, and had plans for me. That emptiness I had felt was now abundantly filled. Rather than dance being my everything, God became my everything.

I can honestly say that God saved me from myself. I now seek to glorify God rather than seeking perfection. Yes, there are tough days still but I know that there is a powerful God who loves me the way I am and has an exact purpose for my life.

I hope that you know that God loves YOU and wants to use YOU to do great things for his glory. You don’t have to be perfect or good enough for God. God takes the broken and makes them strong through Him.

I know this post was long, but thank you for reading it. This is my story and each experience and struggle has brought me here to today. Please, if you relate to this post or are struggling, reach out to someone. If you would like to share your story, but not necessarily post it, you can email me as well. Thank you again for reading, check back next week for another story!